i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
