I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
