i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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