i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
