I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
