The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
