i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
