Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
