oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
