my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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