I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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