you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
