I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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