This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
