its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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