Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
