Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
