I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
