im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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