The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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