just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think I won the penis lottery.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I supernannyed him into submission
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize