just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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