Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
