That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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