I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
