i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
