I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
