Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize