Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
