I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
