someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
