my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
