So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
