he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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