there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
