the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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