Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
