i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
