Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
