I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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