so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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