All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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