I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
