i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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