My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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