my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
