i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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