What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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