I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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