I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize