guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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