dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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