you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
