You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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