my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
