I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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