this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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