Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
