I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
